screws and sockets and switches...oh my.

topic number two: the "s" word

After reading this next topic, you will, I am most sure, understand the depth of my affliction...so hold onto your Phillips and flat heads!

I guess my awareness of sockets and switches started years ago after buying our first of many "fixer-upper" houses that we wanted to call home. Well before possession of the keys, I began looking for commonalities from room to room in the house...the flooring, the paint, lighting...sockets and switches. Anyway, it was important to me that the feeling in each room flowed smoothly from one room to the next. But after new flooring and after new paint...something was still amiss.

Ah...the lighting.

We hired an electrician who was busy for several weeks with my checklist-converting over simple switches to dimmers, replacing electrical sockets with flats plates where locations were odd, changing out old beige covers for crisp clean white ones and bringing power to my picture lights.

Still, something was amiss.

I slowly walked from room to room and something kept catching my eye, something was just not right. It became very apparent that the screws on the switch plates and as well, on the electrical sockets were not working together in unison. It was like looking at a room full of crooked paintings! Some switches had screws pointing horizontally while others pointed vertically or visa versa. For me, the installation seemed haphazard, incomplete with screws sitting at odd angles...so uncomfortably so. There is only one word-chaotic, which describes multiple screws in multiple directions occurring all on the same plate!

Now at this point, I believe some of you may be yawning. So, I dare you to stand up and walk into the next room of your home or apartment without noticing what I am talking about. Angled screws are viral! Trust me, with screwdriver in hand, every room could be better screwed and imagine afterward, sitting down, relaxed with a cup of coffee in hand and a big smile on your face! Trust me...

p.s. I prefer a vertical screw, what about you?

vertical vs. horizontal screws

Perri says that she likes vertical screws (I'm going to let that one slide, mother...) but it actually wasn't always that way. Here are two slices of life revealing the development of my mother's screw-fliction:

1. screwing the electrician

The electrician my mom hired was her favorite of all time and I always wondered why. So I asked her, was it because he changed all the beige switch plates: (imagine, southern drawl, raised eyebrows) But ma'am, these here are perfectly functional...? Was it because he, in the valiant pursuit of my mother's "checklist" was not only electrocuted but lived to finish the house? No, no. Something much greater. After he met my mother, he was so changed that he went home and standardized the direction of all his screws. In the end, they became great pals and my mom referred him a lot of business. From that day on, Mike would hang the chandelier, replace the knob-and-tube, and then offer his screw-job for free.

2. screwing the neighbor

After my mother told our old neighbor about her screw revelation, he enthusiastically proposed an important modification. David objected to vertical screws because the name on the screw would not be readable left-to-right. My mother went along with this for a while, changing all the screws horizontally, but she eventually changed them all back. This sparked debate and rivalry between her and David. It all culminated when we received the following voice-mail message:

Uh, hi Perri (giggle giggle). I did something bad. I changed a screw in your house. Just one. Enjoy finding it!

So what is the moral of this story? Grown men do giggle, and if you really want to screw with my mother, just change one in her house.