vertical vs. horizontal screws

Perri says that she likes vertical screws (I'm going to let that one slide, mother...) but it actually wasn't always that way. Here are two slices of life revealing the development of my mother's screw-fliction:

1. screwing the electrician

The electrician my mom hired was her favorite of all time and I always wondered why. So I asked her, was it because he changed all the beige switch plates: (imagine, southern drawl, raised eyebrows) But ma'am, these here are perfectly functional...? Was it because he, in the valiant pursuit of my mother's "checklist" was not only electrocuted but lived to finish the house? No, no. Something much greater. After he met my mother, he was so changed that he went home and standardized the direction of all his screws. In the end, they became great pals and my mom referred him a lot of business. From that day on, Mike would hang the chandelier, replace the knob-and-tube, and then offer his screw-job for free.

2. screwing the neighbor

After my mother told our old neighbor about her screw revelation, he enthusiastically proposed an important modification. David objected to vertical screws because the name on the screw would not be readable left-to-right. My mother went along with this for a while, changing all the screws horizontally, but she eventually changed them all back. This sparked debate and rivalry between her and David. It all culminated when we received the following voice-mail message:

Uh, hi Perri (giggle giggle). I did something bad. I changed a screw in your house. Just one. Enjoy finding it!

So what is the moral of this story? Grown men do giggle, and if you really want to screw with my mother, just change one in her house.